Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
