Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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