guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
