The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
