I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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