Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
