mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
