We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You ate ashes out of my bong
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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