its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
