I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
