This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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