According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
