she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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