I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
