My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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