You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
