It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
