Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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