just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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