I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
