I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
