hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
