i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
