She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just high enough for therapy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
