Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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