I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
