Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
