I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
