all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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