youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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