we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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