there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
