Too much gin, very little bucket
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
