I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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