His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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