Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
