some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So much rum. So many feels.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
