I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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