Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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