Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
