Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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