Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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