she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
