the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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