There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
