I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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