Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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