mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
