I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
