I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
