oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
